So Way Back...

by: Mason

So way back in the 1700s, old King George was being a big jerk to his American colonies, taxing them to pay for his fancy imported wine and his collection of high tech gadgets. The colonists got wise to his sick scheme and wanted some good old-fashioned representation with their taxation. That’s why people say stuff about “taxation without representation.” The colonists weren’t fond of it.

Instead, they wanted their shillings and stuff to go to good use, so they threw a tea partay, because the tea was one of the absurdly-taxed items. They also threw stamp paloozas and sugar shindigs. This riled up the old tyrant so he sent over some troops to calm the raging colonists.

Fortunately, the colonists were wise to his sick scheme, and prepared a minute man militia. The Iroquois Indians taught them this technique, which involved the extensive use of barns and locks. With this newly gained ability to fox into the very ranks of the red coats without even being detected, the colonists whooped their butts and took America as their prize.

But the reason the colonists took America goes far deeper than hating taxes. On the contrary, they loved paying taxes, and were happy to pay them once the states were united. These Americans hated how their tax shillings were being spent. They wanted to see their tax shillings spent on their turf, where they could see the benefits and reap the rewards, not on some fat old king’s fancy parties.

The early Americans wanted not only to have their tax dollars spent on their turf. They wanted to decide for themselves what their taxes should be spent on. The representation they demanded was the representation of their desires in the spending of their tax money. Perhaps many people wanted a road paved connecting Boston to Philadelphia. In the days of old King George, the road would not get paved. It would just be a series of muddy wagon ruts connecting the series of cotton plantations between the two.

With complete control of taxes (they even changed their currency), the Americans could decide whether or not a road should be built, where it should be built (just pave the mud trail or make a direct route), and how to build it. They would spend some portion of their tax dollars on the supplies (they used slave labor) and get the job done.

With the road completed, commerce would increase (with imports of cream pie and cheese-steaks, higher gas sales, and the advent of motels), the states would grow closer, and millions of happy Americans would travel between Boston and Philadelphia, making a more perfect union.

I guess what I’m saying is: our founding fathers fought so that we could choose if we should be taxed, on what we should be taxed, and how we should spend our tax revenue – with the assumption that the choice the nation makes will be beneficial to itself. But just in case the nation chooses poorly, they made the nation a republic (representative) so that smart people (who we choose – that’s democracy!) can make a better choice.

The next time you come around criticizing our government for everything it’s doing wrong, think about how and why our nation was set up. It was designed to be controlled by the people. Don’t complain loudly like a belligerent fool! Go do some research and write an informed letter to your congressperson, and talk to your neighbors about doing the same. But you don’t have to take my word for it!

That old fat smelly tyrant jerk monarch King George would not give Americans the health care they so desperately needed. Fortunately for us, our founding fathers knew that one day, a president powerful enough to present the entire nation with effective health care would rise, and that day has come. Congratulations to America, and thanks to Barack Obama, for finally realizing the founding fathers’ dream! By 2018, our nation will be full, ripe, complete, and in all other ways telios!